The Seagull

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand.

The boy asked his father, “Dad, what happened to the birdie?”

His dad told him, “Son, the bird died and went to heaven.”

Then the boy asked, “And God threw him back down?????”

Boy’s dad, “?????!!!!!%%$$^_^’’&&”

A Matter of Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words, ‘Woman without her man is nothing” on the board and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

Keep Taking Pictures

A concerned mother picked up her daughter at school during a rainy day. All day the wind whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. She was worried that her daughter would be frightened.

When she reached her daughter’s school, she saw her small child walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up at the sky, and smile. One flash followed another, each time with her child stopping, looking at the streak of light and smiling.

Finally, the mother called and asked, “What are you doing!”

Her child answered, “I’m smiling for God, He keeps taking pictures of me.”

Foreign Language

A mother mouse and her baby are walking along, when all of sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, “BARK!” and the cat runs away.

“See?” says the mother mouse to her baby.

“Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?” ^.^

Do You Know Who I Am?

“I think the principal is a dummy!” said a boy to a girl.

“Well, do you know who I am?” asked the girl.

“No,” replied the boy.

“I’m the principal’s daughter,” said the girl.

“And do you know who I am?” asked the boy.

“No,” she replied.

“Thanks God!!!” said the boy with a sigh of relief, and run off.

Parents

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”

The other kid says, “What have you go to worry about? Sounds to me like you don’t have anything to worry about.”

The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”

Scores

When Suzy got home, she told her dad that she got 100 in school today.

Her dad, “Great! Let’s sit down and tell me more about it.”

Suzy, “Well, I got a 20 in Math, a 30 in Science, and a 50 in Writing!”

Suzy’s dad, “------T_T’’------“

Shop Lifter

An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was angry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. When she replied six, the judge then said, “I will give you six days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, somebody spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”

“Your honor, I’m her husband. She also stole a can of peas.”

Store Keeper

Costumer, “Do you have any cockroaches?”

Clerk, “Yes, we sell them to the fishermen.”

“I would like 20,000 of them.”

“What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?”

“I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.”